Mindfulness meditation workshop.

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Last week I attended a Mindfulness Meditation Workshop at Astoria Bookshop. I invited my sister to come along and neither of us had any clue what we were in for. As we approached the bookshop we could see through the front windows that there was a group sitting in chairs in a circle. My sister suggested we turn back and forget the whole thing. I said “No way” and opened the door. We scanned the circle for 2 chairs together. There were 3 empty seats side by side but the middle chair had a purse propped against. I looked around to see who the purse belonged to and mumbled something about moving it over. As I reached for the purse a woman a few seats away said, very loudly, “That seat is taken.” The woman looked stressed. Across the room a large, bearded man shifted to his left to allow Emily and me to sit together. I gave a sigh of relief and sat down between Emily and the bearded man. He looked like he had just climbed a mountain. Across from me sat a tall, thin man with round glasses. The leader of the group asked how his recent trip was and he gushed about his retreat upstate to meditate for an entire week. He explained that other people from his office had vacationed in tropical locations and while they came back more tan, he came back more rested. The group nervously laughed as though this was perhaps the funniest thing that had heard all day. I got the feeling he had been practicing the joke all day, trying out different wordings and tone, mustering up the courage to share it with this group of misfit meditators.

The leader opened the group in a calming voice and shared that she was happy to see so many faces, some familiar, many new. By now the circle had expanded into a second row section for the latecomers. There were probably 25 of us. I looked around and decided I was the only one who had brought along a friend. I wondered how many of these people were closet meditators. Too afraid to mention their weekly ritual to a roommate or friend. The leader invited us to go around in a circle and share where we were from and what had brought us out to meditate in a bookshop on a Wednesday night. I learned the loud woman who had so adamantly defended the chair with the purse was indeed stressed. She saw a psychotherapist and suffered from tension in her neck. Next there was an older gentleman from India, sitting on the other side of my sister. He had a white beard and a kind face. He had tried many types of mediation in the past and was looking for peace of mind. Then there was the small pale woman with the round face. She had woken up one morning and realized she didn’t like her life. She divorced her husband and moved to the city. She had her own apartment. She seemed very proud of that. The others applauded her bravery and courage. The mountain man to my left was a lifelong meditator. He had been attending the mindfulness mediation group since October. Next to him sat a mom who had meditated for 10 years, but had been on a 2-year hiatus since the birth of her twins. She lost her job right before giving birth and decided to become a stay-at-home mom. She discovered this was much harder than her previous career, in fact it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She was tired and needed some time to herself. At least time to sit in a circle with strangers.

I was nervous about what my sister would say when it was her turn to share. She didn’t even know about the group until a few hours before. She didn’t have any interest in meditating or talking to a group of strangers. Emily is shy. She just wanted to hang out while her husband wrote essays for a Yale application.  But Emily handled the situation gracefully and explained “My name is Emily. I’ve lived in Astoria for 3 years now. I’ve never meditated but my sister read about this group and invited me to come along.” Well done, Emily. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say when it was my turn but I found myself talking about my work. “I’m a social worker. I work with little kids…I find it… stressful. I thought this group might be a good way to relive some anxiety and engage with the community.” Whew. The group nodded their heads in understanding and pity. The poor social worker.

After introductions, the leader explained that mindfulness meditation derives from Buddha. Emily and I exchanged glances. The instructor went on to explain that when practicing mindfulness you must remember to come back to the present moment. Mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, without judgment, in the present moment. After some discussion, we were ready to try it out. We started standing, with our eyes either closed or softly focused. Eventually we sat down and focused on the sensations in our body, then our breath, and then our emotions. It ended with “open mindfulness,” letting any thoughts enter our mind and then drift away. Finally the instructor hit two chimes together and we opened our eyes, returning to the circle of strangers surrounded by books. I was surprised to learn the whole exercise had lasted 20 minutes. It felt more like 10. We were told to find a partner and discuss our experience. The instructor encouraged us to find someone we did not know well, eyeing Emily and me. I partnered with Mountain Man and Emily turned to the Indian gentleman. I explained two epiphanies to Mountain Man:

1. 1   How refreshing it feels to be still and quiet at the same time. I often take time to be quiet while I walk speed walk to work in the morning or take time to be still when I take a bath in the evening…while simultaneously watching something on Hulu (I know, I know). But I’m never both quiet and still at the same time unless I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s a beautiful sensation. I need stillness and quiet my life.
2. 2.       The beauty of just feeling. I talk about emotions with kids all day long. I teach them to identify how they feel, identify how others might feel, express those feelings appropriately. Part of this is modeling my own recognition of feelings. “I see you’re breaking pencils and throwing erasers. You look like you feel angry…Today is Friday, I feel happy.” And I’m a very emotional person. So all of this labeling of feelings becomes endless. Allowing myself permission to simply feel without labeling and analyzing was freeing. Like being let out of a box.

As group concluded, I became wrapped up in the experience I had just had. The sense of community was spectacular. I live in the most diverse city in America and I pass strangers on the streets and the subway every day and here was a place that I could go and share life with them. A place where I could sit in silence for 20 minutes. A place where I could hear peoples’ stories and they wouldn’t be strangers anymore. The stories each person had shared oozed with yearning for a higher power, a desperation for a sense of peace and purpose, a desire to be accepted and loved. I knew we were each looking for something. Sure, at times the whole scenario was just so odd that it was funny, but it was also heartbreaking. The kind of moment where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know the type.

I think mindfulness meditation can be a wonderful exercise to incorporate into the rhythm of life. But I know there is a simpler answer for the longings of our hearts. There is an accessible God who already knows our stories and loves us exactly as we are. He offers peace and assurance. He’s the whole package, the real deal. But self-doubt and fear took over and I left without sharing this vital information. There’s a quote I like to keep at my desk at work that says “Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.” I need this reminder that I can’t will people to change. Changes are not made until someone is ready to change. But have I taken this too far? Am I using it as an excuse to keep my mouth shut when I see people searching for something more?

I’m asking you to help me with this. Pray that I have courage, knowledge, and articulation to share the truth with anyone who is ready to make a change. Pray that my relationships and interactions with others will plant seeds for those who aren’t yet ready for change. And a challenge for you: Step out of your comfort zone and try something new with a group of people you’d otherwise never meet. Bring a friend if you’re scared. You might even have an epiphany or two. I’d love to hear about it!