A way.

Anxiety. Such an ugly thing. I started noticing powerful anxiety in my life about 2 years ago. Braden and I were engaged and living 1,070.6 miles apart. I was making next to nothing at my first fulltime job and spending most of it on plane tickets and student loan payments. Even now that we’re married, see each other every day and make more money, I feel that icky anxiety a lot. The latest bout is related to our wedding photos of all things. I want a high quality photo album of our wedding photos and just can’t seem to come up with a plan that I like. I started making my own book on Shutterfly, got discouraged that it looked too cheesy, and quit. Then I realized we’ve been married for over a year. I need to make that book! I never made a book of our honeymoon photos either. Now I can’t remember all the names of all the places we visited. At this point the anxiety is gushing.

Our life group has been talking about having meaningful time with God. Last week we set goals for what this would look like. I decided to commit myself to a 14-day study on Thankfulness. This is what I read today:

“Have you ever faced a situation and said, “There is no way this can ever be?” Maybe some of these thoughts weight on your mind.

-There is no way I can handle the pressure at work.

-There is no way I can pay my bills.

-There is no way to save my marriage.

-There is no way I can go back to college now.

With God’s help, there is always a way. This is a beautiful truth to be grateful for. It may not be easy; it may not be convenient; it may now come quickly. You may have to go over, under, around, or through difficultly- but if you will simply keep on keeping on, you will find a way. Jesus said in John 14:6, “I am the Way and the Truth and the Life.” He is the Way, and He will help you find a way even where there doesn’t seem to be one.” –Joyce Meyer in The Power of Being Thankful

A belated wedding photo book is a minuscule problem in the scheme of life, but I’m so grateful God makes a way. He’s more powerful than our anxiety and He loves us so much. Praise God.

Seasons.

My sister is having a baby in April. I’ve been waiting for this event for many years, looking forward to seeing what a little human made up of Emily and Tyler might be like. I can’t wait to take that little one on walks, to see plays, and to have sleepovers. I’m thrilled to become an aunt and to watch Braden become an uncle. I’ve pictured it so many times. One thing I did not anticipate, however, were feelings of my own desire to be a mother to bubble up inside. But they did. A little. Braden and I had a lovely coffee date once where we each wrote personal goals about what we want to accomplish before having children. We are nowhere near accomplishing those lists.  When I was in high school, I yearned for college. Once I was in college, I systematically planned how to reach grad school- and how to complete my masters in 1 year. Throughout grad school, I was dating Braden and dreamed of being engaged. After he proposed, it seemed all I could think about was being married and finding a job in New York. And here we are. What is with my constant desire to be in the next phase of life? I know I’m not alone here. Fortunately, I’ve had the example of Emily and Tyler. They have been married 6 years. They have always been open about doing things on their own timeline. They got masters degrees, traveled the US and world, moved around, said “Yes” to a lot of things and basically sucked the marrow out of “married without children” life.

Many people have opinions on when and when not to get engaged or married, whether or not they think NYC is an acceptable place to live (How many times has someone said “Oh, I could never live there!” to me??), and when or when not to have children.  My opinion? Do what you want! But be present. This is not my time to have a child. It’s my sister’s time. And that’s okay. This is my time to work on my list. My time to be 25 and to say “Yes” to life. Being in that “married without children” category allowed Braden and me to take a last minute trip upstate to the Catskill Mountains last weekend. Friend’s invited us a few days before and we said “Why not?!” Disclaimer: These friends have a 3 month-old baby, so I’m not saying people with children can’t also say “Yes” to life, but I think it’s a bit simpler for those who don’t have dependents.  

Living in a place with dirty air and noise pollution out that wazoo makes you really appreciate a visit to nature. Life slowed way down and I breathed in that fresh mountain air and felt so alive. We stayed in an adorable 3 bedroom cottage that felt like a trip back to the 1950’s. If the 1950’s had IKEA. There was a big backyard with a fire pit and vivid fall colors out of every window. It was such a treat to spend quality time with our friends and their sweet baby. I loved that our weekend was mixture of nursery songs and swapping scandalous stories over drinks and Halloween candy. Everything in moderation. This season of life is pretty great.