Sunday in the park.

“I knew I couldn't live in America and I wasn't ready to move to Europe so I moved to an island off the coast of America - New York City .” 

― Spalding Gray

Quarter of a century.

Yesterday I turned 25! So many of you sent me birthday wishes for a great day and I truly had one of the greatest days ever. It started with breakfast in bed with my absolute favorite food- a croissant! Also one of my favorite drinks, a Starbucks mocha frappachinno, and a sweet letter from my love. Then Braden brought out presents. He gave me a new dress and a new swimsuit that he picked out all by himself and he told me we were going to the beach!!! I was already so excited but then Braden really surprised me by giving me a third gift. A Canon Rebel!!!!! I may have started crying before I even opened the box to see my beautiful new camera. I have wanted this camera for many years and never thought I'd have one of my own. Braden told me we could go to Central Park on Sunday to try out the new camera and I can't wait!

This past week has been a little tough because it's my last week of summer vacation. I kept telling Braden that my birthday signified the end of all happiness (perhaps that was a little dramatic) because I return to work on Monday. But he made it so special from beginning to end. He seriously thought of everything. On the beach he kept asking,  "Hungry for a snack?" and pulling out another of my favorite treats (salt and vinegar chips, sour punch straws, naked juice...he had it all!). He even made a homemade cookie cake- the dessert my parents would always make on our birthdays. Emily and Tyler spent beach day with us and when it came time to pick where I wanted to go to for dinner I was craving smoked salmon. So I did the natural thing and picked IKEA! Haha, it was the weirdest dinner location but so good and I loved how everybody just went along with it. When we got home I was so worn out by the day that I fell asleep around 9:45 in true 25-year-old fashion.

Special thanks to my wonderful husband, sister and brother-in-law for making my b-day extra special!

Fabulous way to start off 25!

Beautiful presents from my hubby

First photo taken on my new camera :)

Skyping mom and dad

Eating cookie cake on the beach!

IKEA dinner. Because why not?

1 year of marriage.

June 29, 2013

"You may have noticed that the books you really love are bound together by a secret thread. You know very well what is the common quality that makes you love them, though you cannot put it into words...Are not all lifelong friendships born at the moment when at last you meet another human being who has some inkling...of that something which you were born desiring..." -C.S. Lewis

Braden is the only person in the world who so closely shares that secret thread with me. I can pinpoint the moment I realized this. It was an email Braden sent me on June 28, 2011. We had spent a lot of time together at school and gone on several dates but I was at home for the summer and was moving to Texas the next week to begin graduate school. Braden wanted me to visit his home in Rhode Island and I was resisting because of the timing and circumstances. He sent me an email explaining his feelings and that secret thread suddenly became so evident. That thing that can't be put into words. His last sentence was "Please come." 2 years and 1 day later we were married.

Three weeks ago we celebrated our 1-year wedding anniversary. What a year it has been. When we moved to New York we were newly married. We had so much to figure out together. We navigated everything from finding a new church family to mastering the subway system and figuring out how to use the laundromat. But, oh, how we have so much more to figure out. Luckily, we have the rest of our lives to work on this marriage thing! It is the most sacred endeavor I have ever entered aside from following God. Braden and I view marriage as an absolute forever and I feel beyond blessed to live the ups and downs with this human being who somehow gets me.

To celebrate our anniversary, Braden and I had a little Kentucky getaway. We started by exploring Mammoth Cave National Park where we took the "Dooms and Dripstones" tour.  Entering a 400-mile system of caves is not for the faint of heart! You enter what is known as the "new entrance" (By "new" they mean it was discovered in 1920's) by descending 280 stairs through vertical shafts. The stairs are so narrow you have to walk in a single-file line. Before entering, they warn everyone that evacuation from the cave to a hospital could take several hours. They also reiterate that this tour is not for those with fear of heights or claustrophobia. It was intense! But we loved seeing the beautiful caverns. It is incredible to think that the stunning and enormous Mammoth Cave is hidden away under the earth.

After Mammoth Cave we made the 2 hour drive back to Louisville where we leisurely sipped lattes and perused books at Heine Brothers' Coffee and the adjoining bookshop. This was probably the best part of our entire trip. I just love drinking a good latte with no place to be. It's the absolute best. Plus Heine Brothers' is organic fair trade and everything tastes divine. Wish we had one in NYC! After coffee we headed to our hotel. This was our first time staying in a hotel without family since our wedding and I was so excited! We had a pretty small budget for our getaway so we used Priceline to find a 4-star hotel downtown. It worked out really well and we had a great time staying at Hyatt next to 4th Street Live. We walked to The Spaghetti Factory for dinner, marveled at how cheap it is compared to eating out in New York, and spent the rest of the evening swimming in the hotel pool. We also read notes of encouragement and advice that friends and family wrote at our wedding! Guests wrote notes to us for our honeymoon, 1-year anniversary, and 5-year anniversary. It was so fun to finally get to read the 2nd set of notes and was a great way to relive the wedding.

The next morning we drove to Kentucky Kingdom for a day of throwback fun. Well, throwback for me. I grew up spending summers running around Kentucky Kingdom with my friends. It has been closed since 2009 and recently reopened so I was super pumped to share it with Braden. But it wasn't quite as glorious as I remembered :) We were also probably the oldest people the park (aka, not high schoolers). Still, we had a blast riding rides and playing in the new water park area. The best part? They added a sea lion show!!

This trip was such a blessing after originally thinking Braden would need to be working in New York on our anniversary while I stayed in Kentucky. It really reminded me of the importance of getting away and kicking back every once in a while. After our trip we drove with Emily and Tyler to Missouri where we spent a few days with my Grandmother and parents, then drove back to Kentucky for the 4th of July weekend, and finally made the 11+ hour drive back to NYC. Such a busy but fun way to kick off the summer with my husband of 1 year!

This bus took us deep into the woods to start our cave tour

No trip to Mammoth Cave is complete without the obligatory picture outside of Dinosaur World

A look down at the lobby of our hotel

A view of Kentucky Kingdom from the top of the ferris wheel

Sea lion show! Probably where I would work if I'd stayed in Kentucky :) 

On the road again! Headed to Portageville, MO to visit my grandmother

Roadtrip view

Visiting my friend Krista and her husband, Austin. Krista and I were the new kids on the 1st day of 5th grade together!

Getting ready for Independence Day fireworks in LaGrange with Tyler's family

We visited The Frazier Historical Museum, The Kentucky Show!, and Kentucky Science Center during our last day in Louisville. If you're ever there check out Museum Row on Main. It's 10 attractions within 4 walkable blocks for just $30! Wish we'd had more time to visit them all!

Kristin & Rodney's wedding.

High school friends at Kristin's wedding. June 28, 2014. 

We have been so busy traveling since school got out and so much has happened that I’ve almost dreaded writing about it all. But I want to remember everything, so here goes. I’ll begin with Part I: Kristin’s Wedding (You can read about my friend, Kristin, here). Here are some highlights from the weekend:

•      A 14 hour drive from NY to KY.
•      Throwing a small lingerie party immediately after getting out of the car.
•     Working with Emily and Kristin to make all of the flower arrangements (we had no clue what we were doing and I think they turned out pretty darn good!).
•     Going through the rehearsal and realizing just how magical the ceremony would be if the rain would hold off (we had a 50/50 chance of thunderstorms).
•     Spending the entire wedding day with Kristin, getting our hair done, taking pictures with her amazing photographer, Katie (who happens to be an old high school friend!) and watching Braden bloom into a wedding videographer.
•     Saying after out very last picture, “Does that sound like rain in the distance?” and then stupidly standing around until suddenly it was down pouring on us, running toward the castle (did I mention the girls got ready in a castle!?), squealing “Cover the bride!” stopping to take my heels off so I could run faster, and being tackled from behind, by the bride, who did not realize I had stopped.
•    Laughing over and over about above incident.
•     Being SO nervous about the fact that it was practically monsooning at the time the ceremony was supposed to start. Meanwhile, Kristin was so calm!
•     The sunshine finally coming out and having the ceremony outdoors! It was incredibly beautiful and Kristin’s entrance was perfect.
•    Kristin’s new stepdaughters, Brittany and Trinity, fist-bumping as they walked back down the aisle when the ceremony ended.
•     Tyler and Amanda singing their own version of a Backstreet Boys song for their toast
•     Dancing the night away with my cute date who makes every wedding super fun
•     Watching Kristin and Rodney have one last dance together after everyone had left to gather for the exit
•     Failed attempts at convincing Kristin not to bring her stuffed bear on the honeymoon! 

Whew! I thought I would just share a few highlights, but as you can see, this really was such a special wedding to be a part of. My only regret was forgetting to eat the cake! ;) I couldn’t be happier for Kristin to have found her guy and I know they will have a lifetime of good times together. Rodney came as a package deal with twin daughters and it has been sweet to watch them turn into a new family. Kristin will be an amazing step-mom! The one thing that stood out to me the most throughout the wedding weekend was the way that Kristin was constantly checking in on everyone around her, making sure they were happy and comfortable. Her first thought was always others, even on her wedding day. I’m honored and blessed to you as a friend, Kristin! Congratulations on your marriage!

The day after Kristin’s wedding happened to be our 1-year wedding anniversary. I will pick up there in the next post. Until then!

Summer.

First of all, I'm writing this from the tub. Don't worry, I have it down to a careful science. The nice thing about having a tiny bathroom is that you can sit in the bathtub and use the (closed...obviously) toilet as a desk. Nice, huh? Anyway, enough for that TMI. How do I have the luxury of blogging from the bathtub in the middle of the week? Because it is SUMMER, people! Today was the last day of my first year at VOICE Charter School. Whew, that feels good!

My last day started with a staff meeting where our principal passed out a Huffington Post article called A Letter to My In-Transition Self. It was full of beautiful insights about life in transition and I felt full of nostalgia thinking back to this exact time last year. I was living in Texas, days away from marrying Braden and weeks away from moving to New York City and starting a new job. Talk about transitions! When I started working at VOICE, I had many of those "We're not in Kansas anymore" moments.  It is a challenging workplace to say the least. The kiddos at VOICE need so much support emotionally, socially, and behaviorally. There were so many days that I felt hopeless, unsure of how to help the child sitting across from me. I didn't feel like I was producing results and it made me feel like a failure. A huge lesson I learned from my co-social workers this year is that sometimes the thing people need the most is just someone to bear witness to their story. We don't have offer a solution for every problem we encounter. The Huffington Post article says, "Who you are is actually completely separate from what you produce." What a relief to hear those words. Another favorite from the article-- " Remember that shame is the false belief that you Should Have Already Mastered Everything. It's a lie." Thank goodness it is okay not to have mastered everything. I feel proud for completing my first year at VOICE and look forward to growing as a school social worker throughout future years. 

Tyler and I went from in-laws to co-workers this year! This was on our second-to-last day of the school year. 

 Every class at VOICE has a weekly 45 minute lesson with a social worker (there are 3 of us) called "Mind, Body, and Heart." I taught 1st and 2nd grade this year. These are self-portraits my 2nd graders made as part of our "self" unit. Underneath their portraits are character traits that describe who they are on the inside. I love how they turned out!

And now for SUMMER! Here's a little preview of what I'll be up to over the next 7 weeks:
-Trip to Kentucky for Kristin's wedding
-1year anniversary getaway with the husband (Can you believe it??)
-Trip to Missouri to visit my grandmother
-Trip to Rhode Island for a wedding shower for Braden's cousin
-Trip to Michigan to spend time at a lake house with Braden's college buddies (I'll be the only girl!)
-Trip to another part of Michigan for a family reunion with Braden's family
-Trip to Ohio for Braden's college roommate's wedding

That's 5 states on the calendar so far! I may have freaked out a little when I realized how much traveling we have committed to, but I keep reminding myself that this is my summer. Summer does not only exist on empty calendar days! I'll leave you with one more quote from the Huffington Post article.

"Consider that the in-between is just as important as Point A and Point B. Sometimes you believe that the space between things is not life, but it is life. If you look closely enough, you will see that absolutely everything is comprised of the in-between."

Happy Birthday Tyler!

My brother-in-law, Tyler, turned 28 over the weekend. We celebrated by helping my sister pull off a surprise kickball party! On Wednesday Emily came over to our apartment to secretly bake a homemade strawberry cake. We hid it away in our freezer and on Saturday morning Emily took Tyler out to breakfast while Braden and I snuck the cake to their apartment and set up decorations. Then we met friends from Emily and Tyler’s community group at a nearby park. When Tyler passed the park on his way home from breakfast we were all there waiting to play kickball with him! If you know Tyler, you understand this is just the type of surprise he dreams of J. The weather was beautiful and it was such a fun morning. After the game we had a picnic and headed over to Emily and Tyler’s apartment for cake.

For those who don’t know, Tyler and I go way back. Here is the history of how Tyler came to be a part of our family: The summer before I started 5^th grade our family moved from Arkansas to Kentucky. We started school about 2 weeks after the move and the first day of school happened to be Emily’s 13^th birthday. Tyler was in her homeroom class he decided he should make friends with the quiet new girl J Fast forward 2 years and I’m starting 7^th grade. In English class I sit at a table with 3 other kids- 2 boys and Kristin, Tyler’s little sister. The boys taunted us all year long and Kristin and I bond through our mutual disgust of the boys. We remain friends throughout middle school. When we reach 8^th grade, our siblings are juniors in high school. Emily has a boyfriend who Tyler convinces to break up with her. Tyler then asks Emily to prom. They become inseparable. Kristin and I proceed to spend the next 4 years of high school planning our siblings wedding when we should have been paying attention in math class. Emily and Tyler are now in college and live 8 hours apart, but they continue to date long-distance and see each other at home during breaks. FINALLY, 8 years after meeting on Emily’s birthday, Tyler proposes the summer after Kristin and I graduate from high school. Everyone’s dreams came true.

Emily and Tyler lived in Kentucky the first 3 years of their marriage and eventually moved to New York so he could attend Columbia. It was a lifelong dream of mine to live in New York and Tyler was a huge part in making that happen. He called me the day a social work position opened at the school where he teaches and the rest is history! 

Mindfulness meditation workshop.

{via}

Last week I attended a Mindfulness Meditation Workshop at Astoria Bookshop. I invited my sister to come along and neither of us had any clue what we were in for. As we approached the bookshop we could see through the front windows that there was a group sitting in chairs in a circle. My sister suggested we turn back and forget the whole thing. I said “No way” and opened the door. We scanned the circle for 2 chairs together. There were 3 empty seats side by side but the middle chair had a purse propped against. I looked around to see who the purse belonged to and mumbled something about moving it over. As I reached for the purse a woman a few seats away said, very loudly, “That seat is taken.” The woman looked stressed. Across the room a large, bearded man shifted to his left to allow Emily and me to sit together. I gave a sigh of relief and sat down between Emily and the bearded man. He looked like he had just climbed a mountain. Across from me sat a tall, thin man with round glasses. The leader of the group asked how his recent trip was and he gushed about his retreat upstate to meditate for an entire week. He explained that other people from his office had vacationed in tropical locations and while they came back more tan, he came back more rested. The group nervously laughed as though this was perhaps the funniest thing that had heard all day. I got the feeling he had been practicing the joke all day, trying out different wordings and tone, mustering up the courage to share it with this group of misfit meditators.

The leader opened the group in a calming voice and shared that she was happy to see so many faces, some familiar, many new. By now the circle had expanded into a second row section for the latecomers. There were probably 25 of us. I looked around and decided I was the only one who had brought along a friend. I wondered how many of these people were closet meditators. Too afraid to mention their weekly ritual to a roommate or friend. The leader invited us to go around in a circle and share where we were from and what had brought us out to meditate in a bookshop on a Wednesday night. I learned the loud woman who had so adamantly defended the chair with the purse was indeed stressed. She saw a psychotherapist and suffered from tension in her neck. Next there was an older gentleman from India, sitting on the other side of my sister. He had a white beard and a kind face. He had tried many types of mediation in the past and was looking for peace of mind. Then there was the small pale woman with the round face. She had woken up one morning and realized she didn’t like her life. She divorced her husband and moved to the city. She had her own apartment. She seemed very proud of that. The others applauded her bravery and courage. The mountain man to my left was a lifelong meditator. He had been attending the mindfulness mediation group since October. Next to him sat a mom who had meditated for 10 years, but had been on a 2-year hiatus since the birth of her twins. She lost her job right before giving birth and decided to become a stay-at-home mom. She discovered this was much harder than her previous career, in fact it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She was tired and needed some time to herself. At least time to sit in a circle with strangers.

I was nervous about what my sister would say when it was her turn to share. She didn’t even know about the group until a few hours before. She didn’t have any interest in meditating or talking to a group of strangers. Emily is shy. She just wanted to hang out while her husband wrote essays for a Yale application.  But Emily handled the situation gracefully and explained “My name is Emily. I’ve lived in Astoria for 3 years now. I’ve never meditated but my sister read about this group and invited me to come along.” Well done, Emily. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say when it was my turn but I found myself talking about my work. “I’m a social worker. I work with little kids…I find it… stressful. I thought this group might be a good way to relive some anxiety and engage with the community.” Whew. The group nodded their heads in understanding and pity. The poor social worker.

After introductions, the leader explained that mindfulness meditation derives from Buddha. Emily and I exchanged glances. The instructor went on to explain that when practicing mindfulness you must remember to come back to the present moment. Mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, without judgment, in the present moment. After some discussion, we were ready to try it out. We started standing, with our eyes either closed or softly focused. Eventually we sat down and focused on the sensations in our body, then our breath, and then our emotions. It ended with “open mindfulness,” letting any thoughts enter our mind and then drift away. Finally the instructor hit two chimes together and we opened our eyes, returning to the circle of strangers surrounded by books. I was surprised to learn the whole exercise had lasted 20 minutes. It felt more like 10. We were told to find a partner and discuss our experience. The instructor encouraged us to find someone we did not know well, eyeing Emily and me. I partnered with Mountain Man and Emily turned to the Indian gentleman. I explained two epiphanies to Mountain Man:

1. 1   How refreshing it feels to be still and quiet at the same time. I often take time to be quiet while I walk speed walk to work in the morning or take time to be still when I take a bath in the evening…while simultaneously watching something on Hulu (I know, I know). But I’m never both quiet and still at the same time unless I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s a beautiful sensation. I need stillness and quiet my life.
2. 2.       The beauty of just feeling. I talk about emotions with kids all day long. I teach them to identify how they feel, identify how others might feel, express those feelings appropriately. Part of this is modeling my own recognition of feelings. “I see you’re breaking pencils and throwing erasers. You look like you feel angry…Today is Friday, I feel happy.” And I’m a very emotional person. So all of this labeling of feelings becomes endless. Allowing myself permission to simply feel without labeling and analyzing was freeing. Like being let out of a box.

As group concluded, I became wrapped up in the experience I had just had. The sense of community was spectacular. I live in the most diverse city in America and I pass strangers on the streets and the subway every day and here was a place that I could go and share life with them. A place where I could sit in silence for 20 minutes. A place where I could hear peoples’ stories and they wouldn’t be strangers anymore. The stories each person had shared oozed with yearning for a higher power, a desperation for a sense of peace and purpose, a desire to be accepted and loved. I knew we were each looking for something. Sure, at times the whole scenario was just so odd that it was funny, but it was also heartbreaking. The kind of moment where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You know the type.

I think mindfulness meditation can be a wonderful exercise to incorporate into the rhythm of life. But I know there is a simpler answer for the longings of our hearts. There is an accessible God who already knows our stories and loves us exactly as we are. He offers peace and assurance. He’s the whole package, the real deal. But self-doubt and fear took over and I left without sharing this vital information. There’s a quote I like to keep at my desk at work that says “Those convinced against their will are of the same opinion still.” I need this reminder that I can’t will people to change. Changes are not made until someone is ready to change. But have I taken this too far? Am I using it as an excuse to keep my mouth shut when I see people searching for something more?

I’m asking you to help me with this. Pray that I have courage, knowledge, and articulation to share the truth with anyone who is ready to make a change. Pray that my relationships and interactions with others will plant seeds for those who aren’t yet ready for change. And a challenge for you: Step out of your comfort zone and try something new with a group of people you’d otherwise never meet. Bring a friend if you’re scared. You might even have an epiphany or two. I’d love to hear about it!