Last week I attended
a Mindfulness Meditation Workshop at Astoria Bookshop. I invited my sister to
come along and neither of us had any clue what we were in for. As we approached
the bookshop we could see through the front windows that there was a group
sitting in chairs in a circle. My sister suggested we turn back and forget the
whole thing. I said “No way” and opened the door. We scanned the circle for 2
chairs together. There were 3 empty seats side by side but the middle chair had
a purse propped against. I looked around to see who the purse belonged to and
mumbled something about moving it over. As I reached for the purse a woman a
few seats away said, very loudly, “That seat is taken.” The woman looked
stressed. Across the room a large, bearded man shifted to his left to allow
Emily and me to sit together. I gave a sigh of relief and sat down between
Emily and the bearded man. He looked like he had just climbed a mountain.
Across from me sat a tall, thin man with round glasses. The leader of the group
asked how his recent trip was and he gushed about his retreat upstate to
meditate for an entire week. He explained that other people from his office had
vacationed in tropical locations and while they came back more tan, he came
back more rested. The group nervously laughed as though this was perhaps the
funniest thing that had heard all day. I got the feeling he had been practicing
the joke all day, trying out different wordings and tone, mustering up the
courage to share it with this group of misfit meditators.
The leader opened the group in a calming voice and shared
that she was happy to see so many faces, some familiar, many new. By now the
circle had expanded into a second row section for the latecomers. There were
probably 25 of us. I looked around and decided I was the only one who had
brought along a friend. I wondered how many of these people were closet meditators.
Too afraid to mention their weekly ritual to a roommate or friend. The leader
invited us to go around in a circle and share where we were from and what had
brought us out to meditate in a bookshop on a Wednesday night. I learned the loud
woman who had so adamantly defended the chair with the purse was indeed
stressed. She saw a psychotherapist and suffered from tension in her neck. Next
there was an older gentleman from India, sitting on the other side of my
sister. He had a white beard and a kind face. He had tried many types of
mediation in the past and was looking for peace of mind. Then there was the
small pale woman with the round face. She had woken up one morning and realized
she didn’t like her life. She divorced her husband and moved to the city. She had
her own apartment. She seemed very proud of that. The others applauded her
bravery and courage. The mountain man to my left was a lifelong meditator. He had
been attending the mindfulness mediation group since October. Next to him sat a
mom who had meditated for 10 years, but had been on a 2-year hiatus since the birth
of her twins. She lost her job right before giving birth and decided to become
a stay-at-home mom. She discovered this was much harder than her previous
career, in fact it was the hardest thing she had ever done in her life. She was
tired and needed some time to herself. At least time to sit in a circle with
strangers.
I was nervous about what my sister would say when it was her
turn to share. She didn’t even know about the group until a few hours before.
She didn’t have any interest in meditating or talking to a group of strangers. Emily
is shy. She just wanted to hang out while her husband wrote essays for a Yale
application. But Emily handled the situation
gracefully and explained “My name is Emily. I’ve lived in Astoria for 3 years
now. I’ve never meditated but my sister read about this group and invited me to
come along.” Well done, Emily. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say when it
was my turn but I found myself talking about my work. “I’m a social worker. I
work with little kids…I find it… stressful. I thought this group might be a
good way to relive some anxiety and engage with the community.” Whew. The group
nodded their heads in understanding and pity. The poor social worker.
After introductions, the leader explained that mindfulness
meditation derives from Buddha. Emily and I exchanged glances. The instructor
went on to explain that when practicing mindfulness you must remember to come
back to the present moment. Mindfulness is about paying attention, on purpose, without
judgment, in the present moment. After some discussion, we were ready to try it
out. We started standing, with our eyes either closed or softly focused.
Eventually we sat down and focused on the sensations in our body, then our
breath, and then our emotions. It ended with “open mindfulness,” letting any
thoughts enter our mind and then drift away. Finally the instructor hit two
chimes together and we opened our eyes, returning to the circle of strangers surrounded
by books. I was surprised to learn the whole exercise had lasted 20 minutes. It
felt more like 10. We were told to find a partner and discuss our experience.
The instructor encouraged us to find someone we did not know well, eyeing Emily
and me. I partnered with Mountain Man and Emily turned to the Indian gentleman.
I explained two epiphanies to Mountain Man:
- 1 How refreshing
it feels to be still and quiet at the same time. I often take time to be quiet
while I
walk speed walk to work in the morning or take time to be still
when I take a bath in the evening…while simultaneously watching something on
Hulu (I know, I know). But I’m never both quiet and still at the same time
unless I’m trying to fall asleep. It’s a beautiful sensation. I need stillness
and quiet my life.
- 2.
The beauty of just feeling. I talk about emotions with kids all day long. I teach them
to identify how they feel, identify how others might feel, express those
feelings appropriately. Part of this is modeling my own recognition of
feelings. “I see you’re breaking pencils and throwing erasers. You look like
you feel angry…Today is Friday, I feel happy.” And I’m a very emotional person.
So all of this labeling of feelings becomes endless. Allowing myself permission
to simply feel without labeling and
analyzing was freeing. Like being let out of a box.
As group concluded, I became wrapped up in the experience I
had just had. The sense of community was spectacular. I live in the most
diverse city in America and I pass strangers on the streets and the subway
every day and here was a place that I could go and share life with them. A
place where I could sit in silence for 20 minutes. A place where I could hear
peoples’ stories and they wouldn’t be strangers anymore. The stories each
person had shared oozed with yearning for a higher power, a desperation for a sense
of peace and purpose, a desire to be accepted and loved. I knew we were each
looking for something. Sure, at times the whole scenario was just so odd that
it was funny, but it was also heartbreaking. The kind of moment where you don’t
know whether to laugh or cry. You know the type.
I think mindfulness meditation can be a wonderful exercise
to incorporate into the rhythm of life. But I know there is a simpler answer
for the longings of our hearts. There is an accessible God who already knows our
stories and loves us exactly as we are. He offers peace and assurance. He’s the
whole package, the real deal. But self-doubt and fear took over and I left
without sharing this vital information. There’s a quote I like to keep at my
desk at work that says “Those convinced against their will are of the same
opinion still.” I need this reminder that I can’t will people to change. Changes
are not made until someone is ready to change. But have I taken this too far?
Am I using it as an excuse to keep my mouth shut when I see people searching for
something more?
I’m asking you to help me with this. Pray that I have
courage, knowledge, and articulation to share the truth with anyone who is
ready to make a change. Pray that my relationships and interactions with others
will plant seeds for those who aren’t yet ready for change. And a challenge for
you: Step out of your comfort zone and try something new with a group of people
you’d otherwise never meet. Bring a friend if you’re scared. You might even
have an epiphany or two. I’d love to hear about it!
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